tell your friends it's a four alarm
?

Log in

tell your friends it's a four alarm

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

12:15AM

i guess no one wants to hear about don feder.



i should never have come home. i tried to pay in pennies in some parking garage and this woman was yelling at me about how she knew i had bigger bills in my wallet. i'm not even skinny and blonde anymore, and i drive a fucking pickup truck. get a job, ticket lady. some kid dressed in black was walking by the graveyard and that same shitty trans am was parked under the neon pizza king sign.

2 matches light my fire

Monday, April 16, 2007

6:40PM - USA Today says "Atheism is not the final word".

It seems to me that Don Feder has nothing to write about outside of his evangelical Christian views and his unsettling homophobia and heterosexist ideas, which he seems to categorize as commonplace.

"Atheism isn't the final word" was an opinion piece in today's paper putting down books on atheism and praising christianity, including a whole section on historical evidence of God, saying "His footprints can be discerned in the sands of time." How languid.
In this latter section, he states that 'Jews introduced the world to monotheism' which, yes, is true. He goes on to say that they were also the first people to percieve history as linear - which means that history is a simple, unfolding plot that is progressing toward a conclusion.
Since when have linear thought processes EVER described the way the world works?
I thought we had proven that things are not so simple.

When I have time, I will make some point here concerning how silly it is to complain about the number of books written on one subject. No matter what, Mr. Feder, you'll still have 585,023,708(real number - http://www.biblesociety.org/wr_340/sdr_1998.htm) bibles to beat.


I have to go, and plan to finish this later, but i will leave you with some quotes from Feder himself.

"Let the godless write their books and the faithful answer them."

"Rep. Pete Stark, D-Calif., has become the first member of Congress to announce that he doesn't believe in God. He's probably just looking for a book deal."

"It seems as though a hunger for the Creator is imprinted on the human heart."

He also said that without God, America would never have won the Civil War, or even it's own independence.

"A denial of God leads to nowhere."


more later.

light my fire

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

1:38PM - film stills, dream sequences

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

i've been dreaming about war. you and i were side by side, holding guns and rushing the enemy. i lost you, and i lost my leg. unimportant. i could only think about where you'd gone.
the next night i dreamt that i was on a mission to kill a soldier who lie at the bottom of lake, but was still undead. (jason voorhis?) he knew something about my mother. i pulled him up by his chains, but he twisted me about until i was the sure i'd be undead next. i ran home, under a dock, and woke up fearing for my life.
i believe it was then that we were somewhere out west, in a snowglobe city, sleeping on cots together, in a place where we didn't belong because we weren't doctors, though we had applied for the position. train-hopping to get somewhere else, we were hiding from something.
zombies. zombies and a swamp, and dead animals at the zoo. you were a pile of goo and all your friends said i looked nice. somewhere in this, i lost a leg.
today it was that i may have lost my arm. i forget what the rest was about.


in most of my dreams, you're somewhere in the background, or right beside me as if we were the same one person. sometimes, though, you're the monster.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

War
To dream of a war, signifies disorder and chaos in your personal affairs. You also be experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle.


Amputation
To dream that your limbs are amputated, signifies abandoned talents and serious, permanent loss. It indicates your feelings of frustration, powerlessness and helplessness. Sometimes amputation may also represent a situation that you have been ignoring and has finally reached a crisis point. In particular, to dream that your arms are amputated, suggests that you lack motivation. Dreaming that you legs are amputated suggests that you are limited in movements and where you want to go in life.


Soldier
To see a soldier in your dream, signifies your staunch attitudes and how you may impose your opinions and feelings on others. Alternatively, you may be preparing yourself do battle over an issue and defend your values and opinions.


Swamp
To see a swamp in your dream, symbolizes aspects of yourself that are repressed and dark. You may be feeling insecure. The dream may also be a pun on feeling swamped from work, a relationship, or other emotional burden. To dream that you are walking through a swampy area, foretells that you will be find yourself in an adverse situation. Disappointments in love may also be implied from this symbol. You will suffer much displeasure from unwise conduct of those around you.


Zombie
To dream that you are a zombie, denotes that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are out of touch. Alternatively, it may indicate that you are feeling dead inside and are simply going through the motions of daily living.


West
To dream of going west, represents fulfilment, opportunities, and growth. Alternatively, it may symbolize an ending of something, death, or old age.

Chains
To see chains in your dream, signifies your need to break free from a routine, old idea, or a relationship. If you are being chained, then some part of you is being forcefully head in check


Zoo
To dream that you are at a zoo, symbolizes loss of freedom and your abilities and talents go unnoticed. You or an aspect of your life feels caged in.


Lover
To see a lover in your dream, symbolizes acceptance, self-worth, and acknowledgement of your true inner value. It may also indicate integration of masculine and feminine traits into your self. You are feeling complete or whole. To dream of an old or former lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship. Your current relationship may be awakening some of those same issues.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


So. What I gather from all this..is that I'm suffering from feelings of loss and frustration, helplessness, lack of motivation, boredom with my relationship, limited on where I can go in life, repressed, a need toget away, disorder and chaos, caged in by my life and my relationship, but also complete and whole because of this same relationship.

I'd say that's all pretty accurate. As I have previously said, love doesn't make you happy. It allows you the opportunity to become TRULY happy through completion, but a real, hard love isn't going to make everything else in your life good. This isn't like it was the first time i really loved someone. My life was different; it was all that mattered, and it was the first thing I'd ever felt. This is different. This is like loving myself, becoming someone else, finding the other half. Loving someone as part of YOU is so much harder than a blind puppy love. Sometimes our relationship feels stale, like an old married couple. Sometimes I feel trapped in this town; my legs can't take me far enough away. Three more years of my life will be here, getting a degree. And then what?
At any rate, I'm here, and there are plenty of things to look forward to. I'm working harder in school than I ever have before...I care. And I feel accomplished. My mind is moving and my body is sitting still, growing older and fatter. It's hard.

In less than a month I'll be home to a place that is no longer home, and away from the person who has become my only home.

1 matches light my fire

Monday, April 2, 2007

5:41PM

fucking announce the rest of the don't look back tour already.
not that i haven't already gotten my $15 worth with daydream nation.


one more month here, one more month until less stress, more labor.
one more month until sexual frustration.


love doesn't make you happy.

3 matches light my fire

Saturday, December 9, 2006

6:11PM - i found this, i guess i wrote it a while ago.

i've been walking .
everywhere.
walking, crawling..
moving slowly down the path of a monolithic misson,
one foot in every anthill i can find.

which is, fundamentally, more than i can say for you...
a sessile creature,
listless and anchored..
nothing more than the same as that featherboned fatty who
just
won't
get up and
leave.
those cancer bits, those fits of epilepsy..
it's all your fault.
the only thing raping you is the backlash of years of your own goddamn bullshit,
crawling between your cellulite,
slipping it in your soup and
fucking someone else while you talk about marriage.


i feel empowered, because i am not you.
isn't that what assholes do?


this is my life.

noise machines, alarm clocks glued to amps.
i threw a million pieces of broken keyboard from the floor of that fast moving basement to the top of his drumset bucket and broomhandle sticks.
that sound...those sounds hurt my chest, my eyes, my fingertips.
in through my nasal passages,
i could feel the waves crawling from one end of my brain to the other
and out my ears like an angry steam engine..
i was the last one to go.
i couldn't leave.
every noise needs an audience,
every darklit corner needs some thin girl in
tight black pants.

so i stayed.
the pain was filling.
there's a certain gratification in nausea,
a full fledged harmony in the breaking of electronic instruments.
a spell of reality.


oh, how i walked.
up those stairs and down that street,
trying to keep my pride together like a
barren wife or a
pregnant daughter.

i walked for him, who
would not protect me from the tigers in my dreams or
help me find a missing child.
who turned around;
something i would never do.
who knows how i sleep and eat and smell and think.
and still wants to hold my sweaty hips and
chase me through a woods.


last night was different.
last night i drove.
forgive me for leaving you, but
this was something i just had to do
alone.

i had to find her.
sweet, strung out child.
living with lost boys and
fictional characters like
some greek goddess with reoccurring camel toe.

fuck them all,
i'm coming to find you.

it took hours.
literally.
hours.
a hundred phone calls,
and still no closer to the truth.
bad boys, bad brains,
a lost sense of reality.

longest drive, winding gravel road...
deer in the street.
walked in, she was waiting atop the staircase.
pizza at rockits, friends outside of bluebirds.
and of course i took you back but
i swear to god
he doesn't miss you.


>>>>>>>

light my fire

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

7:39AM - holiday cheer

it's november 29th, 3:05 am. to avoid a rather imperative workload, i'm gonna make my christmas listCollapse )


oh, and. i need ideas for stencils.
i was thinking about this;
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
(minus the background of course)
or Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
(i'm not actually going to stencil myself, anyway)
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
..salad fingers?

Current mood: pubic
2 matches light my fire

Thursday, November 23, 2006

3:27AM - (we are) traveling at the speed of sound.

small room
filthy room
spoiled milk
dirty glasses
nail biting
ripped pantyhose
sharing stimulants
vaccines,influenza
red wine, white wine
beer at terrible parties
smoking too much
fucking too much
open cereal boxes
long walks in the cold
late nights
early mornings
loud music
greasy bowling balls
regurgitation
holes in my shoes
candy addiction
kisses, dried and calcified
crusty couches
sleeping naked
dead plants
dust on my windowsill..


..these are the things in my life that could be causing my current accumulation of health problems.

i used to be able to do whatever i could to fight gravity, biology and federal forces.
i am now...a reckless case of lost immunity.





god that movie was awful. it was so good, and so true. and so fucking depressing.
kicking and screaming...bored with the STAGNANT (yes, that is the only proper word, i will keep using it)..the stagnant life that we will KNOW FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
what am i ever going to end up doing?
what?
i feel like i can't truly love anyone the way i did when i was seventeen.
i've not had this problem.
i was always breaking rules and being weird and driving across the midwest and falling in love with terrible people.


what was that dream?
she was so sick..
as in ill.
it was a small community.




writers block. is, at best, something that allows you to find the past comforting.




you get out of bed,
and put on your shoes
you're tired of them but
they're not through with you.
we're guessing on tests,
who knows what to do?
when the scientist said it,
we knew it was true.
you're born and you're red,
you're dead and you're blue,
you're green at nineteen and grey at twenty-two.

skating on the interstate.
(we'd like, to stay that way.)









who has ever heard of
such cerebral words?



those fucking leech-rockers.

4 matches light my fire

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

4:27AM

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

1 matches light my fire

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

5:11PM

yesterday, tuesday evening, my Q instructor had some performance or ballet to attend. she
requested that we go to a 'Sex Q & A" being held by a young female grad student in the
collins coffeeshop. it was that or write an essay, and i guess you could say it isn't
exactly useless information at this point in life.
at any rate.
she's talking about HPV. warts. you know.
"80 percent of all people have been exposed to HPV at some point in time."
and as if that isn't unpleasant enough on its own,
this kid sitting next to me starts having a seizure.
it lasted a minute. he didn't remember it. he says it's nothing, its happened once
before. by then the ambulance is there.
"it wasn't a seizure!" he keeps saying.
i thought..yeah, that or he's possessed.
they shone lights in his eyes, an action that of course can define any ailment.
he went away on the stretcher.
it bothered me, for some reason. shook me up a bit.
hpv and shaking bodies.
not quite as erotic as one would hope.

2 matches light my fire

Friday, September 22, 2006

2:24AM

that was unfinished work back there.
it got increasingly better much later, i promise.

smokey basements and talks about grandmothers are not a good way to end a night.
unless you have to write a paper about family.
which i do.
is it smokey or smoky?
i guess i should know.


uppers
and downers
and everythinginbetweeners.
(not getting the goal accomplished)


ughhhhhh.

why
do i keep
going back to
the same
unanimated
boy
(s)
?


warm cheeks,
cold hands,
a smoke infested sweatshirt.
gross.
why do you want this?
i hate being lonely.

lonely enough to

kiss without passion.
and lie about where i spend my evenings.


i learned what line breaks mean.
and strategically written sentences,
placed
broken
words combined with unmade beds.
i already knew.
i think i know everything.
of course.


about eulogies
and lost fingers



my hands speak for themselves.




tell me, would you,
what's the point in structure?

2 matches light my fire

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

4:39AM

2:56. god its still early and god i'm over everyone and god i don't want to be so negative anymore.
in the cheshire cat cafe. next to the piano. i wasn't sure who i was waiting for.waiting for you to stop playing, waiting for him to come back from the radio show (he never came, but it doesn't matter), waiting to buy your drugs. just reading. waiting to become uninterested? who knows.
i keep talking about the perfect dude. he doesn't exist. we talked about dreams and holding your breath and the way it feels when your feet fall asleep. i need time. alone.
i need
money. jesus. i need a job.
modeling for art students?
that's more of elsa's thing than mine. i'm too self-conscious.
i need something official.
like starbucks?
too corporate.
like ice cream?
too available.
like boxcar?
too volunteer.
like t.d.'s, landlocked, soma, laughing planet?
too taken.
maybe i should stop in amused or cherry canary.
fuck it.
i need to start going to classes.
stop leading people on.
stop being so lost in my own thoughts all the time.


credit card balances and overdue books. 56 stairs doesn't sound enticing enough to make me want to wash my clothes. ugh. talking about love and sex and girls and boys. is better.

2 matches light my fire

Saturday, August 19, 2006

11:45PM - historic ax grind and agents of reality

women and children, ladies and liars.. are we back to this again?

i have followed the trail of our DNA to my very own front porch. i was searching for some psycho-analytical clarity followed with the kind of closure they throw into the last four minutes of full house episodes.

pussed out like weaksauce on sweet potato fries. would it be the same concept if the item on hand were a mere...say..rank purple sock? it would. and still...i'd do nothing.
i've got love in my body and i want nothing more than to fix someone too far gone.
it's no longer about reclaiming what is mine.
if there's one thing i've short-listed with knowledge since youth, it's the desire to fight for actions through love instead of through rules, laws or fear.
i'm not angry this time. i'm just fighting global warming.
and stuff.



they miswrote jezebel's part of the bible, mistook her for a sleazebag when her veins ran thick with loyalty and feminism.
..but what i thought was one jezebel sleeping on my couch..as it turns out was nothing more than a sick fuck like king tut.


(i learned this from the sex scene on page 40, and the information thereafter used to explain carnal cries.)



however, this entire situation has nothing to do with the successive point in my life right now and how at peace i am with E V E R Y T H I N G.
almost.

i'm allowed to be proud of people i love for their accomplishments, small in some respects but large in their own.


an ex-lover, a best friend, and a best friend's ex-lover;
my future wants that.

Current mood: insane
4 matches light my fire

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

11:53PM

linguistic conversations, political warfare, cider in the clubhouse pool, and a battle outside the southern mansion over a goddamn cigarette.
i think i made a fat spanish man's day in the emergency room after his crack attack.



my dear jesus.
speaking of which, i am spiritual...but not religious. things have always been as such.





it's funny the people you admire and respect when you're young and then grow older to find them completely boring and unintelligent.



my, how the world works.

Current mood: enlightened
2 matches light my fire

Saturday, July 22, 2006

12:52AM

i miss ben kaley.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
& i need a haircut.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
gnarly photo sesh.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
oh, athalon..

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
THRASH METAL!!!





Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
new vehicle! '87 chevrolet. thank you, drew morden.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
something so strong and genuinely passionate has finally changed. from a loss of physical and mental interest, i can offer only a pair of eyes that sift limestone from clear water.
pristine portrait of first love..exists as just a very fond memory.



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
sir williams' basement bash! i found it to be quite a success. plaid bedsheet covers and strung out photos, skinny boys in bee suits, thrashing with keytars, wolf parade giving uncle's 1978 venice slideshow a battle for air space. indy scene punks with a loudmouth band - adequate skank dancing.



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
legit as fuck.



IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING REGARDING THE WHEREABOUTS OF MY STRETCH FUCKING JEANS AND/OR CANON REBEL...


PLEASE \
PLEASE


PLEASE


let me know.



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
oh, hey kyle...

for every time you've made me feel better than i really am..
for all the shit i've thrown at you..
for all guards i have against you..
for all the reasons so many people reference kyle fucking white..

i respect, love and miss you.
i want to be friends.

6 matches light my fire

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

10:35PM - ART FAGS!

THERES.
SO.
MUCH.
IN.
MY.
HEAD.
IT.
IS.
MURDEROUS.



i didn't stop writing.
i just got self-conscious about..here.


i completely lost myself for a short period of time.
being 17 and insanely in love and then completely fucked will cause this sort of dreary apathy.
so now i'm just unaffected.
i forgot how to feel but i didn't forget how to write.
oximoron?
yeah.
i suppose what i meant is -
i learned how to tell myself what not to feel.



and
i think i may start over.



at any rate.
operation art fag art mag in full force.
we don't know what to call it though...

ARTICHOKE.
who fARTed?
Reconsider Everything!
Dataport
ART FAGS!

there were more but i've lost the sheet.



uhm.
the other night i had a dream...about pulling flowers up and the bulbs being attatched to the heads of children.

speaking of children alex and i are trying to write a children's book and..

gahhh
so many big ideas.

i'm just a kid.
with the flu.
last night i walked into a house of boys i grew up with.
no one there slightly under a wavering consciousness.
down the stairs,
in the back of a room,
a pair of glass doors.
i pushed them open and
there was the most attractive boy
playing piano
in a black suit
and we left
and played golf video games at a truck stop
and drank coffee and watched the news
and we talked about politics for nearly an hour
and
it's so odd because we've been around eachother for years
and there's never been..this..thing..and..
and right before we're about to leave forever
i start looking at him this way
and


fuck.


sdf;'jsad'fva fd
sadfjsadf
asdf












honestly, after typing all this..

i feel like a complete idiot.

Current mood: chapped lips
1 matches light my fire

10:03PM - ART FAGS!

THERES.
SO.
MUCH.
IN.
MY.
HEAD.
IT.
IS.
MURDEROUS.



i didn't stop writing.
i just got self-conscious about..here.


i completely lost myself for a short period of time.
being 17 and insanely in love and then completely fucked will cause this sort of dreary apathy.
so now i'm just unaffected.
i forgot how to feel but i didn't forget how to write.
oximoron?
yeah.
i suppose what i meant is -
i learned how to tell myself what not to feel.



and
i think i may start over.



at any rate.
operation art fag art mag in full force.
we don't know what to call it though...

ARTICHOKE.
who fARTed?
Reconsider Everything!
Dataport
ART FAGS!

there were more but i've lost the sheet.



uhm.
the other night i had a dream...about pulling flowers up and the bulbs being attatched to the heads of children.

speaking of children alex and i are trying to write a children's book and..

gahhh
so many big ideas.

i'm just a kid.
with the flu.
last night i walked into a house of boys i grew up with.
no one there slightly under a wavering consciousness.
down the stairs,
in the back of a room,
a pair of glass doors.
i pushed them open and
there was the most attractive boy
playing piano
in a black suit
and we left
and played golf video games at a truck stop
and drank coffee and watched the news
and we talked about politics for nearly an hour
and
it's so odd because we've been around eachother for years
and there's never been..this..thing..and..
and right before we're about to leave forever
i start looking at him this way
and


fuck.


sdf;'jsad'fva fd
sadfjsadf
asdf












honestly, after typing all this..

i feel like a complete idiot.

Current mood: chapped lips
light my fire

Monday, January 2, 2006

11:33PM

D.O.H., dude.
hahahahahahahaha



i've realized a few things about myself.





i either hate people or love them; respect them or desert them.
generally too forward.
loose lips DO sink ships.
i regret never having given much time to playing music.
i give up on myself too easily.
don't trust someone else to get the job done.
complain too much.
confidence is slipping.
i need more protection than i think.
i need more from you than i ever have before.
blame me.
please.





broken down.
for real this time.
i am in love.






can you help me bring words back into my hands?
i would do it for you.

light my fire

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

3:37PM

the problem with resolute happiness is the fear that its going to leave.



Image hosted by Photobucket.com



REASSURANCE!Collapse )


Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Image hosted by Photobucket.com





you're not them.
& you dissappoint me.
EXCESSIVE ARROGANCE IS DESTRUCTIVE.
and really unattractive.
moderation of confidence is key...
i'm over it.



in other news...
my dog bit the postman and i feel terrible.

Current mood: pending
16 matches light my fire

Sunday, October 23, 2005

12:56AM - gigantic spaces between the lines

I was a member of a successful society.
There was a successful someone inside of me
But then it turned around and inside out and upside down.
They trapped a wrapped and packed me shifty out of town.

Crawling can be beautiful it sure beats standing still
Crawling on your hands and knees takes self-control and skill.

Can we declare, though scared,
This room to be a sovereign state
Where citizens share skins and sins and copulate.
'Cause if we can I think we should and shouldn't waste a breath.
A baby place is faced with settling on baby steps.



Who here finds this world distracting?
Who here finds this world a bore?
Who here thinks we're all play acting and that the show's piss poor?
I for one am dazzled,
I don't care if dazzled blind,
Rapt, enraptured, captured by every little thing I find.



&%%#&^$)(_+_)R$#@!$#*^%)(&)_+_)*&%$@#@#@&^_+((^T$$#@~!




They say, “Once you’ve found love and it’s rarer than gold. You stake your claim- it’s so hard to hold.” I say, “We’ve struck a vein and it’s wide as a road!” Have we got love enough to go around? Why don’t you get a piece and pass it down? Even 100,000,000 years from now the love we make will still be putting out. We filled up our pockets till they would explode. And called the whole world here so they could behold; The light of our love beats the dark and the cold. I get the best of you, you get the best of me. You know I come to you across the broadest sea. For just a speck of you I’d trade the whole of me. I wish each peck from you would last eternity. Where the skin’s thin and where the skin gathers. When you’re moving in and see it’s all that matters. Records left skipping, clothing all scattered, A kiss in the kitchen, The dishes all shattered. We’ll make a lover of you.

Current mood: WONDERFUL. tired. supercontent
2 matches light my fire

Monday, October 17, 2005

11:28PM - MY HANDS ARE FINALLY UNFREEZING.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
rockstars.

I'M AN ANGRY BLACK WOMAN!Collapse )


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Current mood: love.
13 matches light my fire

Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)